Wouldn’t it be great if you could get hold of a guide that outlined all the items and characteristics you would need to acquire in order to achieve beauty? And, wouldn’t it be simply brilliant if you could tick them all off and thereby ensure your status as universally attractive and perfect? What could such a guide possibly entail?
I’m here to impart my womanly knowledge. Sure, it’s not going to be easy trying to think up all the things that a female might need in order to become beautiful, but I am going to give it a try.
The Consumable Goods
As a woman I love going shopping, so I’ll begin with things that you can purchase. This is all just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what an average woman needs to buy to become beautiful or at least acceptably presented. There are a number of items I can’t recall. I do tend to forget things and I blame my gender for that. Disclaimer: even if you do manage to purchase and undertake every one of these items on a daily basis it is unlikely to be enough.
However, rush out ladies and buy or book now:
• Makeup – preferably from matronly ladies in department stores, they know what they are doing, have you seen their personal handiwork?
• A tan – a tandoori tan is terrible, but much better that than anyone seeing your cellulite or veins.
• IPL hair removal treatments – body hair in any form is unsightly, zap it all away and make sure it never reappears.
• Lingerie – categorically, you can’t be sexy without it.
• Perfume – it tells everyone what you are about. You can’t be about nothing. If you don’t wear perfume you cease to exist.
• A manicure – make sure you take care of your fingernails as women with overgrown cuticles tend to be untrustworthy.
• Goji berries – the Taliban of the anti-ageing terrorist regime, eat them by the crate.
I know most people think you shouldn’t need to consider personality when you think about beauty, and it’s kind of true. It’s a classic case of less being more. The more vapid a personality you have the more beautiful you will be considered.
But, being a beautiful woman does mean doing certain things:
• Being bubbly – there are occupations that are reserved for beautiful women and these jobs require that you smile and giggle as much as possible.
• Caring about your appearance – although obsessing is better.
• Following a diet – there are so many to try, keeping going as you just haven’t found the right one yet.
• Considering plastic surgery and botox – you can’t function properly with lines and wrinkles. With Botox you might not be able to express a range of feelings, but that is preferable to being unable to leave the house.
• Competing with other women – especially for men.
• Criticising yourself – although it seems confusing it is possible to be too fat and too skinny all at the same time. Don’t question the wisdom of fashion magazines.
• Doing it all – and keeping a smile on while you’re at it. You probably aren’t doing enough anyhow. No one likes a mother who only concentrates on her kids. You should be gluing macaroni on your child’s project while in spin class. I know plenty of mothers who do it.
These things are absolutely essential. However, if you weren’t born with them, then let’s face it – you’re screwed when it comes to being beautiful. Don’t be too disheartened if you can’t check off this list. You can still be socially acceptable (provided you buy lots of cosmetic aids and act in a pleasing, feminine manner) even if you can never be good looking enough.
• Symmetry – science proves that the closer one side is to the other the closer you are to perfection, and therefore beauty.
• Height – dwarves can be cute but never truly beautiful.
• Soft, shiny and luscious hair – you are only as beautiful as the strands on your head. You can try extensions; just make sure you spend the GDP of a small nation on their upkeep.
• A lean body type that still allows for large breasts – women aren’t truly feminine without mammary glands of a considerable size. Please note that this is one area where you can take action – plastic surgery can overcome this genetic deformity.
So, there you have it… the complete guide to being a universally beautiful woman. Well, sort of. There’s also one last thing I failed to mention: while people may bury their heads in the sand, everyone knows you can only be beautiful if you are young. And, there is only one truly effective recourse available (but it is generally reserved for mega celebrities) and that’s that disease that Benjamin Button suffered from. If you can’t get hold of that do keep buying the wrinkle creams and potions and all the rest of it as you don’t want to become too hideous for the light of day. Old people may rattle on about finding importance in other things in life, but then they have to.
At the end of the day, it all seems very unfair and very complicated. But, isn’t being a woman all about being complicated? Men in comparison are so straightforward. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a man. It would certainly cost less. Maybe it would be easier to do walk out the door in the morning and maybe the energy spent on being beautiful could be put to other use? Maybe I might find it easier to earn respect or a position of power?
I am now disgusted at myself. Really, what am I thinking? Beauty is always the most important goal for a woman. Besides, even if you do have power as a woman the concerns of beauty and image always take centre stage. When I think of our Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, it’s clearly much more important to think about whether it’s wrong for her to wear a low cut top than it is to hear about her policies. Even if you’re not that genetically gifted it is always absolutely worth it to spend lots of money and to trade self-respect and opportunities in the pursuit of beauty.